Our New Normal

 I don't know how to start this one out. I have been putting it off, because this is the hardest thing to write, but today at church we had guest speaker Dan Kulp, he is so inspiring and I hope I will inspire people like he does.
Finally Sunday had rolled around, I was so excited at the possibility of getting out of this hospital bed and seeing and holding my baby girl! Oh how I longed just to touch her button nose, to hold her tiny hand to let her know that momma was here and she would be ok! I got out of bed, got to shower and sat in my hospital bed trying to look as perky as I could, I wanted out of there!! I tried not to get to excited because I didn't want to get let down.  I remember my mom, dad and little sister Claudia , and Michaels dad were up with Landry. Michaels mom, Sister Christie, Brother Ryan, my sister Loretta, Zach, my brother Loyal, and also Michaels cousin Jesse were all there with me. Michael was up with Landry too. We waited and waited while I watched some of the release videos. Finally Doctor Delacruz came in and released me, before he left he said, "now are you sure your ready to leave?" with a grin. Boy was I ever ready! I called Michael and told him I was released and he headed down right away.
While on the way up Loyal was with Michael and I, I looked back and Loyal was crying I didn't know at the time why but I thought it was because of Landry being preemie and at Akron Children's. But little did I know he knew about Landry's extra chromosome. When we arrived at Akron Children's everyone was waiting at the entrance for us. At the entrance I got my wristband so that I could freely go back and forth to see Landry. Michael proudly wheeled me back a hallway, through double doors we passed two rooms then he turned into the third room, all the way in the back I saw her. She was so tiny and fragile looking but the cutest thing I ever saw. Getting to hold her finally was everything I ever imagined but better. She had her little lamb hat on that I had sent up with Michael. However as I was holding her I thought she looked like she had downs syndrome just a tiny bit. I brushed it off and we went back to the waiting room with our family. When I saw my mom I remember with tears I asked her if she thought she looked like she had something, and mom looked at me and all she said was, " Twila she is so cute." Right then I knew. I had a feeling when I was pregnant and even in the hospital at Union I felt like she might have Downs Syndrome but I asked Michael and he said no. That evening my closest friends were there and I was such an emotional wreck that I didn't get to talk with them. Michael went and got supper for me, but I had no appetite all I could think about was Landry.
We told our family we were going back to see her again, when we got back there I remember I was holding her when a doctor walked up to us, and sat down. He said he wanted to talk about you know her having downs syndrome. I remember thinking knowing?! what are you crazy I didn't know, but then I discovered Michael had been informed, as well as my family. he continued rambling, the things he said were cold and hurtful to me, from then on I kept my distance from him. I kept thinking, man you must not have a heart how can you be a children's doctor. After learning my precious little girl had Downs Syndrome, I kept thinking why us God? I am not a good enough mom, or experienced enough to take care of such a special little girl. What about all the dreams Michael and I had for this little girl, I always wanted a little ballerina or gymnast. Michael dreamed about one day coaching her softball team, will she be able to do all these things. After these thoughts I guess you could say I went into survival mode, thinking YES my little girl will do these things, if her little heart desired this I will make it happen! I will not hold her back from doing these things, she is just like any other person she just has something extra that makes her extra special to us. My next thought was, Michael knew all this time why didn't he tell me? I asked him and he proceeded to tell me how a kind doctor had explained everything to him in such a nice way that morning, he said these children are the most loving and kindest children there are, and they are pretty special. 1 in 2000 couples our age have a baby like this. He also advised Michael not to tell me, he said that would make it so much harder for me while I was in the hospital, but Michael told him Doc, Twila isn't that dumb, for all we know she probably already suspects something is up. He was right, I did but I kept those thoughts out of my head until I got up there. To be honest when I was a teenager I remember telling my mom that I feel I will have a child someday that will have something special about them. I understood why Michael kept it from me. We gathered with our parents in the waiting room tears all around, both of our dads prayed for us, that God would guide us through this time, and help us with raising Landry. I remember before going to bed that night I got a text from a great and wise friend it helped me and made me feel so much better that night, she is so special to me and inspires me, when I feel down or need to talk I text her, it meant the world to me getting a text from her everyday.
A great couple, and friends of Michael and I came up to see us, we told them about the condition Landry has, they were thrilled for us in a good way, they didn't tell us they were sorry for us, Michael and I didn't want people to feel sorry for us at all. Landry is not a disappointment but a gift from God. They told us as life goes on some people will say things in a way that could be hurtful, but we should know that they didn't think about how it would sound. That has helped me through the past couple months, some people do say things and I know they really didn't mean it the way it sounded. But then there are some that do say things and mean it. God has shown me also how to keep calm and stay kind during those times. We know that it was nothing Michael or I did for Landry to have this, it happened when Landry was conceived that she received an extra chromosome, it was not because of her birth, or because the cord was wrapped so tight, or even because I didn't complain enough. Another dear friend of mine told me that she was actually jealous of me when she found out that Landry had DS because she always wanted to adopt a little DS child, they even checked into it and the list is so high they gave it up for now. We feel honored that God felt we are able to raise this precious little girl. She is so special to us. Michael and I decided to raise her as if she never even had this, to us she is the same as if she didn't have it. We want to show people that this is not a disability she can do great things just like any other child. I cant even begin to explain how much we love her, she means so much to us, and to think how close we lost her she is just that much more special. Michael is the best daddy in the world. :) Some days are still hard but I think of all the friends, and family we have surrounding us they accept Landry just the way she is. Our church family is very special to us. One of my best friends, she came to the hospital so much and meant the world to us, she gave a poem to Michaels mom that I just absolutely love, it explains everything so well. I will close with it.

“Welcome to Holland” by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome To Holland”.
“Holland?!?” you say, “What do you mean “Holland”??? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned”.
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away…because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.

Love to all,
Twila

The Arrival of Landry Renn Part 2

I decided to do a Part 2 of the arrival and asked Michael to share.

I find it hard to believe that life can change so much in one short day. In the blink of an eye we were given responsibilities that we weren't expecting for a short while longer. The thoughts that went racing through my mind after Twila called me an told me I might be a daddy today were overwhelming. As I loaded my truck an started home I thought to myself, is this really happening? Twila first called me at 10:30 an told me she was being sent to the hospital from her doctor's appointment for an ultrasound because Landry wasn't moving like she was supposed to. That didn't sound good. Luckily, her mom was with her as she went in for her ultrasound. Esther would then call me with updates. The last time she called me she said Twila was being taken to a delivery room. It was time. It killed me not being there to hold Twila's hand or to comfort her. But deep down I knew she would be ok because she is a stronger person than I ever dream of becoming. As I was driving home I received calls from mom and dad. They both assured me that everything was going to be alright. At 1:45 mom called an said that Landry was here, but there had been some complications. Not exactly what I was waiting to hear. She said Landry wasn't breathing an that the cord had been wrapped around her body to where she couldn't move anymore. After hearing that she was finally breathing I knew my little girl was going to be tough like her momma. Then mom told me that a transport team from Akron Children's Hospital was on the way to the hospital to pick up Landry. All I could think was this isn't supposed to happen like this. We had her arrival all planned out. Now they are telling me there could be some serious complications an they aren't sure how long she will have to stay. Again, not what I was waiting to hear. Hearing that made me drive even faster. I finally made it to the hospital at 3:00. As I walked into the maternity ward I saw my mom, sister, and Twila's mom and sisters all gathered around the nursery window. Mom gave me a hug an pointed towards a tiny little girl in the nursery. Then she said, "that is your precious little girl." It broke my heart seeing her lying there all covered in wires an wearing a breathing mask. I thought she's so tiny an precious, why does she have to go through this. The nurse motioned for me to come into the nursery an said I can hold Landry's hand while they work on her. I asked if Twila had seen her already an they said no. But they said that they would take her into Twila's room before transporting her. I stayed an held Landry's hand until a nurse popped her head in the door an said that Twila was wanting to see me. I walked into her room an I didn't know what to say. I was excited that Landry was here but yet so overwhelmed because I didn't know how this was all going to turn out. I couldn't tell Twila it would all be ok because I was wondering that myself. Then the doctor came in an told us a bit more of the condition Landry was in. After hearing that a million questions went through my mind. Will she ever be able to walk. Will she be able to go to school. Will I ever get to do all those things with her that I had planned on. After a couple hours Landry was wheeled in our room an Twila was finally able to touch our little girl. Its seems crazy to me how much love you can have for a tiny little girl that you've only known for a couple of hours. It definitely knocks you back down to size.

The Arrival of Landry Renn

On Friday morning September 7th, 2012 I woke up and got ready for my Doctor Appointment thinking that it would just be a routine checkup, and getting to listen to our precious little girl's heartbeat, our first child, little did I know that today our lives would change forever (and in a wonderful way). As I was getting ready for my appointment I thought that I wasn't feeling baby girl move and kick as much, but I just shrugged it off thinking its probably nothing, or that she is probably moving but I just don't feel it as much because of all my running around. While on my drive to the doctor I got a little more worried, and thought if they suspect something is wrong then I would say something, I HATE complaining. At the doctors they did the lovely weight check, and checking my blood pressure. The nurse checked it once on my left arm, then checked it again, and when she hurried to the right arm I knew something was up, so I informed her that I thought baby girl wasn't moving as much. As my nurse walked out into the hallway to talk to the doctor, I  overheard her telling him that something is not right and that she is very worried about me, that my blood pressure is way too high, and baby wasn't moving. Doc came in to tell me that he would like for me to head for the hospital just to check and make sure everything was okay, as my eyes filled with tears my nurse looked at me and assured me that she thinks its nothing and I will be fine.
So out the door I went and headed for the hospital, luckily it was just across the street. This is one trip I hoped I would never have to make by myself, as my mom had to make the same trip by herself after a checkup when she was pregnant with my little sister. I called Michael on my way over crying and knowing that he was two-three hours away at work, I wanted him to be there for our first childs birth! When I called Michael he reassured me that I would be fine, and to call my mom and have her come down in the meantime he called his mom, and she headed towards the hospital as well.
At the hospital I remember so clearly walking in and asking which floor maternity was on, as I was in such a wreck I just COULD NOT remember. :) I got on the elevator got to the maternity floor and checked in. A sweet older lady hooked me up to all the wires and monitors, little did I know that things did not look good out at the nurses desk and another nurse came in and took me straight to a delivery room. Once in the delivery room they did an ultrasound and baby girl did not practice breathing or move once in a half hour period. At first I was not happy with nurse becauseshe really pushed for a C-section, she informed me that I will be having baby girl today, that she was not doing good inside me and needed out, later on before I left the hospital I thanked her for pushing it and to this day I am so thankful for her! I did not stop praying for a healthy happy little girl and for Gods protection over us!
My mom got to the hospital in time to be informed that baby girl was coming today. I was not able to communicate with Michael all this time, but mom did it for me. She called him and let him know that he would become a daddy today, a whole month before we had thought she would come. He told mom to do everything he would for me if he could have been there, and to tell me that he love me and he is coming as fast as he can! They took mom and I to the operating room and got me prepped! I was scared and not sure what to expect with a C-section. Mom stayed right by my side the entire time in fact I remember looking at mom and saying, "mom I could do this again, its not bad at all." :) It was a matter of a couple minutes and baby girl was out, she was not breathing or moving, they called code pink, and doctors and nurses started running. Michaels mom was out in the hallway, all she heard was code pink and saw everyone running, she knew that it was for our little girl, a wonderful nurse stayed with her during this time. In the mean time back in the delivery room I could hear the doctors and nurses working on our little girl, and there was nothing I could do  except pray, and pray I did. I tried to be strong but I cried. Finally a nurse came over to my side and said, "do you hear that, they are laughing now, that's good, that means she is doing better." such a sweet nurse. After my surgery the nurses wheeled me over to our little girl and let me touch her tiny little hand, she was still not active, but breathing. Then they wheeled me to recovery.
Michael and I had not decided  on a name yet, we had four possibilities, Michael had two and I had two, so for now she was baby girl Yoder. I was not in recovery for long before Michael came walking in. He said, "Twila I saw her and she is sooo tiny, and Landry Renn is a perfect name for her." And Landry Renn she is!
Finally after the longest two hours of my life I got out of the recovery room. I still had only touched Landry's tiny little hand, I longed so much to see her, to look at her face, to hold her. But as I waited in my room the pediatrician came in and told us Landry is very weak, and sick, they thought she might have and infection, and they had to send her to Akron Children's Hospital. They had her stable finally so before the transport team took her they brought her into my room on the stretcher and pulled her up beside my bed, so I could touch her feet. I did not get to see her face or hold her, I touched her feet and little hand and the wheeled our little girl off. Michael and I never felt so helpless before, seeing our little girl so weak and helpless. I kept thinking this is not how its supposed to be!
But as the day went on we started finding out what a true little miracle she was, and in the days and weeks to follow we realized it even more, with everything we found out. My doctor said that the cord was ready to tear, an hour or two later we both could have died. Praise God for how perfect the timing was for everything. Had I not had my that day we could have had a very different story.
Until I was released two days later, all I got to see of Landry was pictures and videos that Michael texted me while he was at her side. He would stay at my side during the night and go see her everyday. During the night at Akron our parents took turns staying with Landry, we could not have done without family and friends throughout this!
I will continue in my next post about holding my little girl for the first time, and our stay at Akron Childrens!

New to the blogging world

I am very new to blogging. Over the next few weeks Michael and I will be sharing the story of our new little family and the most precious and beautiful little girl that God has blessed us with.
-Twila-